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The Last Thing I Want to Do

It came on gradually, first my hip felt tight and then my low back, and now four days later I lay with my back still in full spasm. I adjust working from home, heat pads, ice packs, healing thoughts…OM….I am supported. You know, heal your back with your mind shit.

Not moving is not fun for a driver, check the box, make the next list me. Book details keep me busy. Eight font choices, forty choices for the swirl thingy for the top of each page. These small things make me victorious in the midst of my non- movement.  This isn’t the first time my back has locked up. This is the longest.

I just need an adjustment. Ten minutes max. My chiropractor is built like a bear. Part of me tries to relax as he has my neck cupped in his hands, and part of me is afraid I will be crushed with the cross-my-arms-in-front-of-the-chest move. I dial his number and Edna, his assistant, no matter when I call, will tell me he is booked. Next week? Might as well be next January. “Oh, well can you put me on the cancellation list?”

I go back to waiting for the anti-inflammatory, turmeric, Hawaiian spirulina to kick in, and at pain level 45 I reach out to my friend Sherry, who walks me through a stretch sequence: knees together, groin stretch, as she drives her car and fills a prescription at the same time.  My pain subsides to a 10.

Every moment waiting for the next release.  I wake up today thinking okay, I gotta feel better today. I’ll go to work by noon. No chance. And then Edna calls, she had a cancellation. Does 3pm on Thursday work?  Yes, more waiting.

There’s no way I can go to work, and then I surrender. I lay back into my pillow and say, “I surrender”, and then it hits me. Why did it take me four days of spasms to finally surrender? Why was I fighting the pain? Resisting the present?

Things are waiting, but also, other things had time to emerge. Passionate conversations about path and purpose with my dear friend Monica, FaceTime with my sister in her newly planted garden, three, four, five, six-hour time zones vanish in the present moment.  The people I want to connect to the most, my mom, my friend Jen, who in my busy-ness, I forgot to tell her about the book. It’s like she is finding out I’m engaged in an email.

I know I need to put the self-care first and do the ab exercises that will help my back, and which I don’t.  Surrender to what is really wanting to come forth. Paying attention to the people who cross my path. The unexpected sharing with my landlord on my front porch with her four-year-old son playing in the background. We all have challenges in every season, every family, every workplace, and yet there is so much joy, connection, and fun also waiting at our fingertips.

I say surrender! What area is it for you? What are you resisting? It’s Memorial Day Weekend, take a breather from your driver-self and let life arise.

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